[written 6.29.17] ///// you’re a person who has a seed of wanting to understand truth and that is of infinite value –beyond needs and desires, which is the pithy evaluation that consumption reduces people into. Perhaps you’ll know some day that in this brief interlude of our paths crossing, I trusted this sacred understanding of you, that you were dynamic, full, wonderful, curious, kind and on a worthy journey even when all you often thought you had to offer was hurt, performance, prettiness, banter. I’m sorry that you’ve been met with much cruelty in your short life, cleverly disguised as authority, institutions and other forms of power struggle. Queering relationships has always been the effort to wring clear and release relationships from these cheap entrapments. When our time was a priority to you, this was a beautiful growth to witness.
I wouldn’t feel complete without telling you this. the first moment I was attracted to you was when you recalled Chinese poetry, but even then that was rote performance. The first moment I felt love for you was when we sat in the garden and I heard you talk about how you saw the hearts of those kids you were teaching. You saw their struggle and the way you talked about their challenges was so tender. I believed you then… that you had amazingly retained this human capacity for tender understanding.
That was enough for me to enjoy knowing you, learning you and the worlds between us.
The romance for me was hoping to see that more, though most of the rest of our time was seeing how clouded and occluded this tenderness was.
If this was about only my needs and desires, I would’ve never been open to engagement because I saw from the first time I met you how you disdain and manipulate a person’s needs and desires in a warped power struggle. When human relationships become a war of attrition, I can only guess at how much this force has devastated the woman before me, coercing herself to go with the societal flow.
This repulsion and aggression is a sustained response to violence.
And it hurts me deeply that such beauty and life is reduced to a survival of cruelty. And so much so that it becomes a tactic to inflict the same harm onto oneself and others before it comes to you.
A terrible kind of proactiveness.
Thank you for shaping my desires, for all the more I desire a world where sexuality ceases to be a site of war and regenerates as a site of intimacy and creativity and safety.
May you find softer and tender ways of protecting, healing and keeping hearts secure in tranquility.