temple diaries

by 伊凌 yi ling

Alright, now I’m in the 7 day silent practice.

Lorde, I told Han Shifu that I’ve been struggling with thoughts. She said to let them go unless they repeat. In that case, examine. Now in my mandarin that has always been 乖,I hardly could express these were feelings of lust…the thoughts of past partners. She asked for some reason what race they were, and initially asked if there was just one and also if these were thoughts of wanting to continue. I assured her in all logic I didn’t want to continue right now and she said to reflect on transgressions. But the body has its own memories. She asked 什麼程度 and how this would be a challenge on my 修行, and remarked how of course growing up in the west would expose me to this. At one point I wanted to say how hesitant I was to bring this up…and how purity was a dangerous antecedent to ascribe to untouched…this vaulting of virginity…I feel glad to attend to this challenge, especially given how so many people have remarked that I, so attentive to sensual pleasures, could hardly overcome this. Since 法 is truth, wouldn’t in true knowing, these ignorant attachments dispel? After all, being born into a field of feminine battered numbness was something I fought for feeling again…I’m averse to being taught to force my lifegiving erotic into submission again, or to wield patriarchal disgust. Rather, what is a way to enliven this joyful…淨化joy?

She advised me during meditation to move my body, breath deeply a few times and pivot xin…not to force it down, not to add weight to this seed of 8th storehouse consciousness. There is all kindness and sin there…contemplate how 無常 these fragile feelings were. And to let 佛 compassionate light shine on my body.

I reflected how dad’s death tainted me to see the deathly becoming of all things and how this was my own end soon…yet there was no escape. What trivial matters could separate me momentarily were flimsy distractions. More and more I desired separation from this…but a return? To what root? A more complete yet continual cycle of decolonized suffering?