by 伊凌 yi ling
Somehow digging today in meditation I came to realize a great repentance for 過失 of trying to gain satisfy sexuality with fantasy…how I overlook things and don’t commit to the fullest effort of completing things, even realizing this as I swept the floors…that knowing my transgressions from intellectual understanding didn’t push me into right action. How long have I nurtured a deep habit of “well as long as I do enough”…but that’s not 精進！this excuse of, “oh just a bit, as long as it appears all is well or that I’m still doing right”…my mind has lost progress—this pollution, where is the hemorrhage? Yet 大師父’s 法 that our 娑婆心 is the materials for 淨土心 kept me from falling into despair of sinking into samvega…what necessary link to convert this shock…after all I’ve been looking at this slothly indolence that I came with—how to convert that into genuine passion to learn well? It comes out in blips but the motivation is shaken easily.