As 2019 wraps up, reflections bring me back to the beginning of the year…perhaps the most poignant thing is how heart congestion problems have been surfacing as I clarify my xin. In January, I began to have heart challenges after drinking gailizi water for my consecutive challenges, compounded with lacking health insurance and citizenship. Then in various intense settings, I kept struggling with health issues resurfacing. When I left temple to work for a bit, still waiting for citizenship which was a process that strangled a lot of job offers, I ended up getting embroiled in a job where these indigenous family pulled more Han capitalist shit than some Han families and overworked my body for less than minimal pay and no job security. Got axed the moment I asked for prior day notification for work and legal minimum wage. Lost housing too. It’s been a tumultuous time, but somehow I still was compelled joyfully and filial’ly to buy and offer my mom some wonderful olive oil and balsamic vinegar from Spain as the necessary first offering from first salary. I’ve learned to be more 乖 this year, just reflecting on how much my family has given me, in lieu of all challenges, I also have much to be grateful for them for…with boundaries much intact. And now I’m convalescing with this finally diagnosed, slow inherited family heart issues affecting multiple organs and seeking rebalancing and treatments. It’s an interesting thing, to be cared for so well while reaching clarity and growing disability to participate fully in society’s dominant systems. Repentance indeed is precious, life is precious to practice well with. I feel humbled with this heart in its current state, sure I feel like it could improve, but it’s also useful this very convalescent state to reflect on how insubstantial this body is and work more diligently to improve daily at a diligent and humane rate. All begins from the xin.