yellow citizen

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temple diaries

Lmfao time to test my two weeks of training in 念佛🙏🏼. Auntie and Audrey are coming tomorrow. 🥶🙃🥵

temple diaries

Major love understanding after a night dreaming of holding a beautiful person with blonde hair while sharing heart to heart.

A friend has been sharing her concerns and spiritual journey. It’s a motivation to practice well, the tribulations of friends.

She mentioned the pain of displacement from the homeland, which I didn’t feel until this summer really and it knocked me down for weeks…feeling all that separated Ba and family cycling back and folded into my own struggles to return legitimately to a home that I couldn’t be sure how to belong to fully, if at all.

I told to her to come visit, that she would be so proud of this lineage of hers.  She said she would come soon and hearing what I’m learning definitely has boosted her spirit. 

temple diaries

Congratulations today on ma becoming a bhikkuni. 慈願師父now, not “ma.”

Funny, how fulfilling my parents wishes was re-ordered my life yet in a way that is less and less 衝突 with 自己理想。it feels far more blessed.

Had an advance in meditation today—took it a bit easier with resting. Though mid day meditation was all over the place, I am feeling that joy at 清境 that keeps me continuing. At night I was able to catch up with Amanda and chat about their life (another breakup!) and spiritual debts and their recovery. Then at night meditation seemed to go smoother—adjusting the leg, not getting stressed over the heating of the body. At one point I really began to see what 大師父 said about this insubstantial body—how it’s unreliable and tenuous when observing this body in meditation.

I observe my arrogant 慢xin when resisting chanting 阿彌陀佛—this chant of centuries and Chinese lineage…and the point of resistance that when broken thru becomes a clearing of joyful hearing.

temple diaries

I want that—lunch dharma talk mentioned the total surrender into a long secluded practice before a certain age, 死命修, du loh ki. Before 30-33?

I sat for 2.5 hours straight and my hip hurts af now. Snuck in a call at night with dear spiritual bro broke up with their person who just refused to move beyond white distance and disconnection and parsed thru East Asian aesthetics. Sigh.

temple diaries

定是什麼?get rid of 散亂心…what am I messy about?

  •  Friends
  •  Past relationships
  •  Book
  • “Find your family, I’ll go with you and dedicate the merit of this practice to them”

temple diaries

Alright, now I’m in the 7 day silent practice.

Lorde, I told Han Shifu that I’ve been struggling with thoughts. She said to let them go unless they repeat. In that case, examine. Now in my mandarin that has always been 乖,I hardly could express these were feelings of lust…the thoughts of past partners. She asked for some reason what race they were, and initially asked if there was just one and also if these were thoughts of wanting to continue. I assured her in all logic I didn’t want to continue right now and she said to reflect on transgressions. But the body has its own memories. She asked 什麼程度 and how this would be a challenge on my 修行, and remarked how of course growing up in the west would expose me to this. At one point I wanted to say how hesitant I was to bring this up…and how purity was a dangerous antecedent to ascribe to untouched…this vaulting of virginity…I feel glad to attend to this challenge, especially given how so many people have remarked that I, so attentive to sensual pleasures, could hardly overcome this. Since 法 is truth, wouldn’t in true knowing, these ignorant attachments dispel? After all, being born into a field of feminine battered numbness was something I fought for feeling again…I’m averse to being taught to force my lifegiving erotic into submission again, or to wield patriarchal disgust. Rather, what is a way to enliven this joyful…淨化joy?

She advised me during meditation to move my body, breath deeply a few times and pivot xin…not to force it down, not to add weight to this seed of 8th storehouse consciousness. There is all kindness and sin there…contemplate how 無常 these fragile feelings were. And to let 佛 compassionate light shine on my body.

I reflected how dad’s death tainted me to see the deathly becoming of all things and how this was my own end soon…yet there was no escape. What trivial matters could separate me momentarily were flimsy distractions. More and more I desired separation from this…but a return? To what root? A more complete yet continual cycle of decolonized suffering?

temple diaries

Astonishing, a week has passed. So much learned. 大寮duty ends tomorrow lunch.

Sutzu ayi is such a blessing to meet at this path–she brought me clothes and two more jingren outfits since they don’t have my size here.  She told me that 覺觀師 is a good person to be trust to and keep a low profile that 睿師父 hears all. 睿師父 seems to like me though, for the 屏東 connection and our father’s influencing our 出家 and our 地藏菩薩 wishes.

That jealousy happens because a lot of people here see 大師父 as their special mentor. Tbh I told her I observed as much and that no one here had really done anything as terrible as I’ve seen outside. She said in sutras jealousy and feelings are what leads to our reincarnation as women. Well I def got the feelings part. Sutzu ayi said she was also a justice fighter before but now sees 因緣緣起 as a deeper balance and equilibrium. And that there were many shifus here before but left because the labor left little time for practice. Dashifu May be going to the states next October (New York City and Boston!!)…

Dashifu’s master apparently had 神童 and was very community oriented, went to the jails for example. He didn’t get to hear a lot of dharma so he left to study himself. He chose the path of wisdom. Somehow hearing that encourages me…