yellow citizen

temple diaries

Learning to place offerings today and had such a nun crush moment. 🥰⛰️🌊🌳❤️

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Accident: one of the teachers calling me Shifu and the teacher telling me instead of ordaining to come train with him in this decolonial massage. Appreciate the conditions ready to receive these teachings and grow well 🥰😁

Got a treatment for my period pains. Massage the area behind the bone above the ankle and butt and heel. Massage my thumbs because of adnoid surgery and weekly treatments

堆積很多,sounds way better than you’re fat. All can be dealt with.

虛胖:too much water, insubstantial.

temple diaries

大師父要進入進修。gave a solemn talk: 深入經藏…問問題. Rarely are there successors to great teachers.

Could patriarchy be a strong reason!?

I vow to surpass him in this regard, to take up this responsibility of embodiment and education transmission.

Observing the relations of teacher student here. I’m grateful my father relation and responsibility to him is complete. To not come to this practice with father issues unresolved. I didn’t know 大師父 really or come for him. I wish him well and maybe he really will fly out after recovering his health more.

Mara came for him, he still went forth knowing full well the consequences of challenging with truth. Mad respect.

I’ve got to learn as such: to be able to be compassionate yet unrelenting.

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Joy is slightly too sweet but still great pizza and finishing five pages of my personal bio.

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Joy is learning decolonial massage.

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Thinking about how modern queer movements lack a show of why gatekeepers in the original sense of this role are necessary…a need for spiritual responsibility or a respect for the wisdom that springs forth. Respect all the people I know doing this work on the fringes and the bridges to their worlds.

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Praise-affirmation is quite useful with 淨念 and 妙果.

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Have I found the 6th ocean?heart to heart reflections on repression, orphan life. They’re the youngest apart from the son. Wishing to continue their education, caught between filial piety and that self realization. I told them the story of Lily who had that, but solved the pain even less. Hoping that one day they’ll meet my friends who need to overcome this suffering.

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savor this time. Most improvements and foundation work while heart is most earnest. Get ready so tonsure is not just removing your hair.

temple diaries

Venerable Father with Ajahn Chah discussion. I like this q&a format.

覺仁師—in answering the issue of westerners seeking intimacy. “Uncertainty!”

Appreciate our conversations and connections around language translating Buddhist terms for comprehension…and that she understood that I was trying to understand what was the missing quality between teachers and students, according to Tsongkhapa’s commentary.

Had to hit jingyuan today. I really loathe hitting dogs but he’s misguiding jingnian, a stray puppy who’s at great risk of being given away if he doesn’t learn to abide by temple protocol.

Maybe instead of monkey mind, it’s jingnian and jingyuan mind(or wild horse). Gotta teach who’s the boss, and correct for past behaviors. What is real contrition and repentance? Tbh, I see dharma in dog training, the necessity of training our habits and the deep and difficult reconditioning…

temple diaries

Worked on bio last night with 慧心, the fancy auntie (she a triple Taurus, we bonded over Taurus effortfulness) who’s great 文筆. Remembering the poems of women in therigatha, Tang Dynasty to women journalists and poets of the contemporary time…I am so lucky to have this 福德 to write this Chinese bio. 性玓師 has been helping me decipher and recopy the text.

Prayed to 地藏菩薩 for memory for the foundation dharanis and mantras to memorize…and my dream was meeting a old brown ascetic laughing in a loincloth in a convention center (which I exited after washing clothes in an apartment then a restaraunt)…I bowed to him and he taught me to switch my feet for energy during the full prostration…and then to another ascetic like a tulku. Holding a white meditation guru scarf…

temple diaries

Had a dream about giving an artist talk and giving gratitude for working with what I got, the very relationships as matter. Instead of wanting more, wanting well.

Before that was yelling at ba for throwing out my homework and Audrey was back in the room, our maryland house crying how he didn’t want to go back to taiwan and respect Buddhism.

temple diaries

Dreamed of great changing landscapes, a great water rushing over the land and going exploring with a camera to capture the moving stillness. In meditation with other women as a teacher and contemplating how men’s androcentric approach was to see the women’s body as a trap, a hole but that as women inhabiting these bodies it wasn’t about hardening the body but seeing the unfulfilling capacity of this body.

temple diaries

Learning non western medicine as I’m ill with 胃炎. Somehow this feels so tied into emotions, a roiling knot after moon time that has surfaced to be dealt with. I feel terrible–unable to eat and help out in the last dog days of kitchen duty rotation. The doctor has told me to stay away from fruits and pretty much anything spicy and savory. Just seaweed and congee for me these days with the medicine.

監智師, the beautiful nun with lion eyes came to check in on me, giving me a lecture on the insubtantiality of all phenomena as the rain came pouring down. How she can sense my turmoil…I suppose this is 修行的功德…penitent my surly heart…the knots we tie surely find us…like the compassionate water samadhi Sutra: even after lifetimes of virtuous practice, Wu Da Shifu still was struck by an illness in a moment of pride and found only relief in the arahant’s wise instructions of penance.

I am no means on his level, just someone who is similarly paying a debt for distraction from 道心…a misty mountain morning lifetimes ago when my heart fled the practice for love, a practice 我這一輩子一定要嚴厲.